Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
