Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
