Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
