I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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