Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You've changed since you got that strap on
You ruined the universe
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
