party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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