'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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