he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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