i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
