I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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