Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
