watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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