i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
