I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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