Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
