How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
