96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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