if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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