A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
