so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize