Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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