the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
