Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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