I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
