College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Randomize
