I accidentally burped into my bong.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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