Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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