The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
farters have to be the big spoon...
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
