he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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