So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
