i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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