bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
false alarm, still single
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