Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
