I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I need a beard to bite.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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