fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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