i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
