My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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