he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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