those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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