I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
