May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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