Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
