I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
