Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
