I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
