Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
