That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
