i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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