More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
