I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
