Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
