he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
