i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Randomize
