I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
