dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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