My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
