seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
