Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
